11/5

You said you loved me and I believed you. Because why would you lie to me? But I sit here in our tiny apartment and feel even more alone than ever. Because my body is cold from your heat that you have permanently left in me and because I stay up and wait for you to crawl back into bed with me every night hoping that you will curl your arms around me, kiss my neck, whispering “I love you” and “I missed you” into my ear as you drift off into dreamland. But now I can’t scrub hard enough to get your smell off of my skin, like it has been soaked into my skin forever, which is what I thought we had but I guess I should have known that forever can’t be a real thing and things got in the way of us. And while some people fight, you would leave. People sense your happiness and want to destroy it because you have what they don’t. They want you to be miserable like they are, like that skinny bitch two doors down the hall.

I bet that is where you are late at night. Because you don’t look at me the same anymore. You cringe when our skin touches. So do I. It feels as if I’m rubbing against sandpaper whenever we make love or now I think it’s just fucking. Two people doing just that. I look in your eyes and they are blank. Gone are the days where you would look at me like that – like I was the whole world. I wonder if skinny bitch with huge boobs two doors down gets that look now?

I think you have finally decided because it’s 6 AM and I haven’t slept since last Tuesday – I think it’s Friday? I think I should be happy? Happy that you aren’t here anymore but some part of me screams at my brain – that this hurts!

And I want to cry, scream, yell, hit you. Hard. How could you do this to me?!

From my bed and look around at our pitiful apartment – I want to laugh – where flowers wilt the moment they arrive. There is no love here anymore.

Just hate. For you. And loneliness because my body had never felt more used than it does now.

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