Julia Caesar1. Be grateful. Always. A thank you can go a long, long way, may it be the bus driver or your colleague or your boss – never ever forget the people who lend a hand and helped you be who you are right now. Keep in touch, ask them how they are, how’s life,…
This was supposed to be a love note to you about why we work so well but when I thought about it you are not actually the one I am in love with. I am in love with the idea of you, not your actual you. You as a person are not right for me. You don’t get me so why do I feel so compelled to stay with you? You feed off my pain and find it funny. No one deserves that.
I wish you allowed yourself to see all the good you bring to yourself and others, how they light up around you and when they say your name their bodies light up with a glow that only comes when they talk about you.
I wish you saw how good you are.
I couldn’t help drawing you in every single one of my books because you are on every line that I read and the only thing my eyes will focus on. You’re the only thing I hope to wake up to in the mornings.
Every ounce of you has been wrapped up inside of me and I don’t want to be let it go because letting go means letting go of everything. Everything that I have tried so hard to tell myself has meant something to me, but maybe all that it has really meant is that I have allowed you to keep hurting me and that I was ok with that. That I didn’t know any better. That I thought you were good for me when all you really were was bad, like poison creeping into my body and slowly killing off the most important parts of me so I wouldn’t shine. So you could have the spotlight. But through through all of that I came out alive. Happy to just be here, while you scream and smolder trying to latch onto me again with your poisonous touch. I’m too far forward now. Out of reach. You seen me moving on and it kills you. Good.
Perhaps growing up in a small town made me this way, but I’ve always had this long-term desire to get out and see the world, like a tick or a bad-habit that consciously taps into my perspective.
New cities, new places to see, new adventures!!!
Who else feels this way when you move to a new place? I know I do! I have recently moved to NYC, eek! At the same time it is a little intimidating because I know all of about 2 people in the entire city of New York, which contains about 8.9 MILLION people, which in itself I think is intimidating. The city literally never sleeps. There is always people walking around, which is nice when it is on the later side and you are walking home or trying to get home on the subway you are never alone! Yay for new friends! And of course there is a bagel shop down the block from me that is open 24/7 (thank you bagel gods).
At times though it does get a little lonely I will have to admit. As much as i want to be adventurous and fun and grown up, I find myself becoming a little secluding and not wanting to go to new places or eat alone because it would only be a party for 1, so not really that much of a party. Does anyone else feel the same way?
We sit inside ourselves all day. Talking to ourselves and our phones. We don’t look up. We don’t make eye contact because that is weird. Yet we wonder why we go to bed so alone at night?
We sit as Kings and Queens in our plastic chairs, silently judging the others around us.
We act better than you because we are afraid that if we show you the real us, you might just see us for who we are.
Fake. Afraid. Of being alone and unhappy, so we put ourselves higher than everyone else, on these pedestal and point our noses in the air.
They won’t notice if we don’t look them in the eye. They won’t see the tears rolling down out cheeks. If we show emotions then we look weak.
But it is lonely at the top. Everyone is below you and you want to hate them all because they have what you want. A real life. Someone to be with. To not be alone.